My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
