I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
