I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We left an ass print on the piano.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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