At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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