yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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