watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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