And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
