I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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