I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
