zippers are such a cool invention
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
