i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
