guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
