So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
