I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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