I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
