you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
