Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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