I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
