in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
