I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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