I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Randomize
