my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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