Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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