tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
