everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
