This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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