You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
