Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
