why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
