I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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