If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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