'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
