I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
it's like iHOP with fire
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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