yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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