i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
