I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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