i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
