The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
