I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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