Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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