The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
