I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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