well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
