; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
