Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
