He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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