He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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