The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
