It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
