Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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